around the bend

There have been times in this past year when I have longingly looked back to times when I felt healthy. More myself. And then looked forward to a time where the light at the end of the tunnel was a bit clearer.

That time is now. To be honest, I've gotten sick of the sound of my own complaining voice, both in real life and in written form on this blog. Even when I'm in a slump, I do always - or mostly - try to focus on my gratitude for the blessings in my life. Home, hubby, sweetest of peas, my family far away, the fact that no matter how many blood tests I submit to my dearly loved but very by-the-book doctor says there is no apparent problem. Other than my hormones raging out of control, my intolerable allergies, my depression and my complete lack of energy, that is. I'm not dying of a horrible disease, most days I function at a fairly significant level, I put on a good face to the people surrounding me. In fact, a dear friend I confided in recently said to me that she had no idea I had been suffering because I'm so good at hiding it. And also hate revealing weakness or asking for help. Yes. It's a problem.

But lately, I've been accepting help from all directions. Some of it I've sought out - a return to acupuncture and natural remedies, sessions with my therapist from long ago to address my fear of vulnerability and lack of control (I do so love my fingers on the controls at all times).  And that annoying emotion - guilt.  For not being a good friend, wife, and most of all, mother.  When English hubby's English Mum came to visit and offered her skill in reflexology, I promptly hopped on the sofa next to her and presented my feet.  If friends call and ask how I am, while I don't spill my guts, I try to avoid just saying "fine".

And yes, I'm starting to feel better.  There's still a ways to go, and I'm trying to not feel strange about placing the focus on me.  I recently read Beautiful Boy, the memoir by David Sheff about his son's ongoing struggles with drug addiction.  At one point, years into the heartbreak of watching his son spiral out of control and feeling depleted and out of control himself, a doctor asked David why he wasn't placing the same resources at his own disposal as he was for his son.  It's brow furrowing that we sometimes don't grant ourselves the same level of attention and help that we unthinkingly give to our loved ones.

So I am.  And I haven't waited for the resolutions of a New Year to put my intentions into action.

I wrote last year about enjoying the journey more than the destination in many situations.  Right now, I'm embracing both.

...I'm after the rainbow's end, waiting 'round the bend....

-- moonriver

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Funnily enough, I'm musing today on the theme JOURNEY over at Mortal Muses. We're doing daily giveaways and blog hopping on the themes from now until New Year's.  A great way to focus on the spirit of the Holiday season, whatever it means to you...