I felt privileged in January to work on a freelance project that was interesting, paid well, and which wouldn't have overburdened me as much if my back had cooperated. Partly because of that, I worked a lot of late nights and as a result spent too many of my daylight hours with Sweetpea barking orders and being annoyed and rolling my eyes with impatience. Which went over with her about as well as could be expected.
I'm lucky. I work from home and can pick and choose my projects as they come. But as my mother wisely said to me on the phone this week, I have a career that isn't easily compartmentalized into 9 to 5. It often requires long hours that rarely can be squeezed into the few hours a day that Sweetpea is at school. My former career in animation required even more extensive hours which is why I no longer work in that industry. Sweetpea would have been a full-time daycare kid from babyhood and while some families thrive on that kind of schedule, it didn't and doesn't work for ours.
I need to work. The year of stay-at-home motherhood after I was laid off when Sweetpea was eight months old - soon after I had returned from maternity leave - just about pushed me over the edge and strained my marriage to the extreme. Postpartum depression hit me very hard and English hubby should be sainted for his patience and forbearance as I coped with tidal waves of emotion for well over a year.
So I need that balance between being Sweetpea's mother and being an individual with skills and abilities outside that noble role.
But I wish I could handle it with more grace and without sacrificing my own well-being and that of the people surrounding me. I want to be able to model for Sweetpea the benefits and joys of doing good work, and not just display how exhausting it sometimes can be and how cranky I get as a result.
Is it too much to expect that I can get her through her childhood with not only a strong sense of self, but a good work ethic and an expectation that she can enjoy the benefits of a fulfilling career and a quality home life of her choice?
I'm doing my best.
I think you have summed up well the conflict of many mothers. My kids have had a mix of full time daycare and full time mommy--it is hard to say which one tests my patience more. I feel like I am happiest when I am doing something in addition or other than the SAHM role, but at the same time, I cringe knowing that I am the one that best takes care of my kids.
ReplyDeleteI would love to think that I can model the perfect balance, but perfect balance is elusive and maybe even a myth. I don't know if we can have it all and all at the same time... maybe we only get moments of both worlds separately... I don't know...
I am certain that you are much more graceful than you think... but sometimes I wonder if it is best just to model how it really is--a combination of hit and miss, success and failure-- rather than the perfection we wish it were. If our daughters want the best of both worlds, they will probably face the same struggle for balance that we do.
It's hard... but looking at sweetpea, it is obvious you and E Hub are doing a fabulous job.
It is our biggest challenge as moms...I think you are handling it all superbly.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you spend time taking Sweetpea to the library and the park, for moseying walks in the woods and by the ocean, that you go for tea parties and spend time drawing when there are other things to do...these show that you are far further on the "happy" medium side of things than not.
Yes we get cranky and are not perfect - really, who is? I myself struggle to be patient every single day. But my kids thanked me for a great day today and all we did was go for lunch, to the dollar store and the library. They are happy kids - we must be doing something right, even when we feel we are not.
To fit in time for oursleves is the next biggest thing to tip us to the happy medium side...we must find time for that because if we sacrifice all "me" time, then I personally think it is our kids who suffer in the end.
I know this is irrelevant to your post, but your daughter is just gorgeous!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's always a bit of a dance, isn't it. And too often, we find the dance card full.
ReplyDeleteBut I find it a blessing that kids are so forgiving and don't at this age hold grudges.
So tomorrow it a new day with no mistakes in it yet -- thanks Anne Shirley!
For what it's worth - you are a mother I admire, learn from and look to.
ReplyDeleteReading your post and identifying with it so much - I had a light bulb moment.
It's just about self acceptance. You do achieve the balance. Not all day, every day but often.
You do give Sweatpea a fabulous, fun filled childhood.
You also show her you are fallible - a beautiful gift to give your child.
Looking in I see a very different picture and what stops you seeing it the way I do - is your inner critic - kick her to the curb.
You are an amazing, loving, impowering mother and your daughter admires and loves you - just as you are.
You are all sweet, loving and thoughtful women who I am proud and fortunate to call friends. What a lucky girl. Thanks for all your heartfelt cheerleading, even though it wasn't my intention to elicit pats on the back, but just to open that dialogue (again... for the umpteenth time) about how tough it is to find that balance.
ReplyDeleteAnnje, you're so right about getting those "moments" sometimes separately.
And Lianne, finding the me time should be high on the list of priorities but most of us forget, don't we? Thanks for the reminder.
And AM, I'm going to get a copy of Anne of Green Gables tomorrow - I think I need a fix of those "new days".
And Scottish Lass, all I can say is right back at you.
Right back at all of you. I am blessed to be a mother amongst the best.
I haven't got children, but I too struggle with the balance of career + hobbies/creativity. I can't seem to evenly split my energy and it is quite maddening. If I had children to raise (instead of hobbies) I'd surely muck it up.
ReplyDeleteAnnje says that perfect balance is elusive and perhaps myth, and I think she's spot on. Brad Warner wrote that there is no nirvana, no Utopia; that our Utopia, our perfect garden of happiness and supreme well-being is right here, in front of us every day and we have but to reach out and grab it. I think with this inner searching that you do, with acknowledging the struggles you face with these areas of your life - I think you are reaching out and grabbing that balance.
Lovely, thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing it.
So well put. Oh and I can relate so. I wish I could find something to help balance me. I'm always in awe of what you have done to define a new career for yourself. Do we ever find the balance? I'm talking in circles now.
ReplyDeleteIt must be the post-Holidays New Year's Resolutions aftermath right now. I'm seeing so many posts around the blogosphere right now dealing just with what you mentioned, Jade - being right here right now, acknowledging the struggle and then letting it go. It's a lesson I learn over and over and over.... as can be seen here. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd TopsyTurvy - I think you do have the balance although it's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes. That's my problem. And your photography is your balance, don't you think?
I struggle with this daily! I think it's good for our kids to see that we're human and we can only handle so much. I also think it's important to apologize to them for our "not-so-perfect moments" so that we also teach them how to apologize and how to forgive. Thankfully children are so forgiving anyways!! My mother told me that "mother guilt" just "is". *grin*
ReplyDeleteYour best is all Sweetpea needs to see to know that she can have all that too one day. Just your best.
ReplyDeleteOh mosey. I'm sure you're doing a great job! It's stinkin' hard to balance motherhood and work. I only get a 2 hour nap from M to work on my photography business. Don't lose heart.
ReplyDelete