Fair enough. But I wipe away my angry tears at my own occasional failing to be the mother she needs me to be. At the guilt that even when I say it's not your fault, she takes it in and feels that it is. Or when I hug her at bedtime and apologize for being impatient and angry and frustrated and she snuggles into me and whispers "oh Mumma it's not your fault." But it is. I'm the grownup.
My depression (there, I called it that) has definite triggers. Hormones, to be sure. Once a month for a day or two, I try to recognize and take positive steps as the dip into that dark valley approaches. I take walks, I give myself timeouts, I take my supplements, I breathe deeply. Allergies on top of that can just about send me around the bend, as they did this week. I've brought my daughter to tears on more than one occasion with razor sharp reproofs and then sunk even deeper because I feel like such a piece of shit and wonder what damage I'm inflicting on her psyche.
I avoid answering the phone or calling on my family or friends who love me, who could listen and talk me into a better frame of mind. Have I mentioned my trouble with asking for help? I've gotten better over the years and English hubby now knows that when I send out a tentative email he is needed at home, even if I don't ask him. But it's hard asking for help. I'm the strong one, holding it all together. Asking for help is like failure.
The dark clouds have passed now. I made turkey chili tonight for the first time. Sweetpea polished off an entire bowl and claims that she wants it for lunch and dinner tomorrow. Shocking, since it took me 15 minutes of my best negotiating skills to convince her to even try it.
We're happy. She loves me (and sometimes even likes my cooking), she forgives me, and I adore her to the depths of my soul. She said at bedtime "You've been good to me today" as she hugged me tight around my neck.
And the melancholy, it passes. I wish it wouldn't come at all but then perhaps I wouldn't appreciate the times in between so keenly.
Friday night chili. A new tradition.
Turkey Chili
- 1 tsp olive oil
- 1 medium onion, chopped fine
- 1 tsp dried oregano
- 1 tsp ground cumin
- 1 1/2 pounds lean ground turkey
- 2 1/2 tsp chili powder
- 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1 28-ounce can whole tomatoes
- 3 cups vegetable broth
- 1 15-ounce cans small white beans, rinsed, drained
- 1 15-ounce cans kidney beans, rinsed, drained
- 1 15-ounce cans black beans, rinsed, drained
- 1/4 cup cornmeal
- salt and pepper to taste
- Chopped fresh cilantro to garnish
Ladle chili into bowls, and sprinkle cilantro pieces on top.
Thank you for sharing this real part of you. I had a day such as that yesterday. I sat down and cried for about an hour, put on a smile, and faced the world again. I try to remember what our workshop teacher tells us... "I AM ENOUGH!" I think I need to purchase one of her necklaces as a reminder on those days when I have doubts. Keep your chin up and smile.
ReplyDeleteLovely. Your honesty, your writing, Sweetpea.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful woman and mom. Just know that we are here whenever you need us. I know you're there for me to.
I've got to go. I'm a little choked up.
(That turkey chili looks gosh darn good perfect for guests that have two hyper little boys)
I read this post this morning and it brought tears to my eyes, because of its honesty and because I relate to it.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to my husband the other day about my downs, which I have never called depression, but he looked at me kind of quizzical, as if drepression were exactly the word. I also have that hormonal shift, longer than a day or two though, I'd say more like 7-8, where I am irritable bordering on homicidal. I have quadrupled my efforts to reign it in, knowing that it makes everyone miserable, including myself. It makes me feel terrible too, but at the end of the day, awknowledging it for what it is, saying sorry and promising to try harder is pretty adult.
That turkey chili sounds great! That should hopefully cheer you up. I love good food all the time and especially when I'm depressed :)
ReplyDelete@Tam: thank you. You keep your chin up too.
ReplyDelete@topsyturvy: I'm most definitely here for you too. (and we'll have you over for the next batch!)
@Annje: There's more reasons than one that we have become such fast friends the way we have. I've always had trouble calling it depression when I've seen others who suffer from it much worse than I do. But it is what is.
@Danielle: I'm with you. It's amazing how many of my posts about sadness end with cooking or baking something delicious!
I think, though I am not discounting your depression, that we all have downs, deep valleys and irrational days and that we all, at some point, feel horrible that we have let that affect our children. I know I do. Your honesty resonates and makes me reflect on my own dark days.
ReplyDeleteI tell myself we don't have to be perfect, just good enough. I know you are good enough for her.
It WAS a good chili - glad Sweatpea was talked into a bowl.
ReplyDeleteWe got home to find that jnr. has a very traumatized ankle - black and blue, swollen. Talk about guilt.
I am praying there's nothing broken.
As for depression - let's call it what it is. Let's support each other in the highs and lows and let's love ourselves. I certainly love you and our friendship.
heavy sigh -- dear Mosey :)
ReplyDeleteWe rejoice when a new recipe works out --- looks like both you and your sister had success with that this week -- if only there was a sure fire recipe to combat the heavy heart and soul that comes your way -- but then again you do have a bit of an ingredient list there -- hope you are able to perfect it as well.
my verification word is hydrogen -- it's the first time it's been a REAL word --that must be a good sign. sending out hugs and spring thoughts of forsythia that make me smile everytime I see them
Kim, I printed your recipe and can't wait to try it soon. I too have suffered from the blues and it happened in Malaysia when I was living there alone with MacLean, Lianne was a lifeline through email while I was there. It was such a lonely time and I spent weeks crying and falling into what the doctor described as a situational depression. So now I feel it more around each cycle but have realized that I need to be close to people who care about me. you seem to have lots of friends and hopefully it helps. I feel the pain. I know it is hard. Hang in there our kids do help to keep us on the straight and narrow. take care, xo
ReplyDeletehey, i found you through anymommy's comment section.
ReplyDeletei know how you feel... i have days where i can't explain the dragon that erupts, i can't stop it.
i'll try your chili recipe :)
Bravo to you for sharing, and for recognizing your triggers. You're wise to know that you need to reach out, but also taking the time to be by yourself.
ReplyDeleteWe're here. We love you. :)
PS- thanks for the recipe!! I'll try it for Army Boy.
Thanks everyone! What a lovely, kind bunch of readers I have. Lucky girl.
ReplyDeleteI had a touch of it for the past couple days. It is so hard to be what anyone needs when you feel that way. It's as if you are moving through mud, and something as simple as doing the dishes feels like an impossible task. All you can do is make it through, and give yourself credit for that.
ReplyDeleteSweetpea has her mother in her, that's for sure. She tells you things honestly, just like you do us. And she rewards you with praise when you've done good, which is mothering, if you ask me. You've got such a girl :)
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty in this post. I can relate to this in every way..especially these days. Deep breathing, yoga, homeopathy, and fantastic friends who recognize this for what it is help immensely. Thank you for this post and thank you for your recipe:)
ReplyDelete