This morning, in the middle of the endless battle to keep Sweetpea - and let's be honest, me - on track, I discovered her in the bathroom brushing her teeth. She hadn't got dressed or eaten her breakfast yet. I said as gently as I could "what are you doing??" but knew immediately that my tone wasn't right. She was tired, I was tired. She had just wanted to play with her new yoyo when she woke up but I impatiently told her to get a move on or we'd be late (again). I could have used humour, could have made her laugh at the fact that she had her order of chores all mixed up. Instead the tone of slight disbelief in my voice made her feel wrong. Wronged. She'd done it wrong. She felt stupid.
As she made her way dejectedly down the hall to get dressed, my heart cracked into pieces. This is where it starts, these little moments that could chip away at her confidence in herself and lead to a lifetime of feeling insecure about her abilities. I could do that to her. Me, her mother, who loves her best in the world. I did that. Nice job.
Later I hear from my husband some heartbreaking news about a life lost - someone we didn't know well, but whose life was parallel to ours in some ways. There is a boy who now has to live the rest of his life without his mother, and friends and family who will grieve and question why it had to happen this way.
And then Maggie posted the video to the song Wise Up by Aimee Mann which never fails to fill my heart with achingly sweet melancholy. And although I've been talking a good game lately about getting my shit together, most days I end up feeling frustrated at my own lack - of gumption, of passion, of time is WASTING.
I can't mess this up. This one life I have, and the life of my daughter who I am trying to nurture into compassionate, intelligent adulthood.
Get it right.
Oh, Dear God. After reading this, I realize that my boys don't have a chance in hell. When I tell them to move it... it isn't with gentleness. LOL!! Kids are resilient and despite our best (and sometimes worst) efforts they will be themselves.
ReplyDeleteRepeat after me... I AM ENOUGH!! :)
We all feel bad about parenting mistakes! Everyone makes them! Just listen to what Tammy said. The fact you wrote this post and that you try to do the best you can for sweetpea and that you love her is enough. Kids are forgiving.
ReplyDeleteArgh! I have more of these moments than I like to admit. On one hand I am always relieved that other moms, who I know are conscientious, reflective, great moms, have moments like these. But I also think just awknowledging tense moments for what they are and resolving to be more gentle next time or counterbalance it with more sweetness is a huge step.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of sounding like a stuck record - wendy?
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone - you're all so sweet and supportive.
ReplyDeleteI think this post misfired. I wrote it quickly in a moment of sadness after we heard a friend (acquaintance, really) died. Although I can see why people think it's just about my misfires as a parent.
It *was* about that, definitely, but it was more about -- I can't even articulate it now, which is probably why it's an unclear post -- the fact that I need to grab life and GET TO IT. No messing around, no procrastinating. I'm feeling a sense of time speeding like a train by me.
Does this make any sense?
Perfectly.
ReplyDeleteyes, your comment totally makes sense! when someone we know dies (friend or acquaintance), it tends to make us stop and take stock.
ReplyDeleteYep. Your post makes sense and so does your comment. I can relate on all levels. Wow, yeah, time whizzes by and leaves us whiplash laden and begging for just one more minute, just one more to soak them in, or redo it or relive it. I don't know. I feel so indolent and prosaic sometimes it kills me, and other times I just know I can kick the world's butt in like 2 seconds flat. Arg. I wish I were more consistent. :) Anyway, ranting right along with ya girl.
ReplyDeleteI know it's not always easy, but don't forget to be gentle with yourself. It always helps.
ReplyDeleteYes. It makes sense. I feel like this at some point most days. Sometimes I panic. Other times, I tell myself, this is it. This is life. Just enjoy.
ReplyDeleteoh God does it EVER MAKE SENSE .
ReplyDeleteyou- are not alone.
been there done that -- bought the t-shirt --
ReplyDeletewhat parent hasn't?
I think we get the dark to remind us of our power to create the light.
You are well on your way by even knowing to go to the light...
Ease up on yourself. Nobody gets it right all the time. Don't worry about TIME. In my experience, telling yourself that life is short and you've got to get moving or else you'll be a failure leads only to self-flagellation and no great accomplishments. Why don't you be my partner in summer vacation?
ReplyDelete